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Location: Montgomery Area, Alabama, United States

Former BUFF driver; self-styled military historian; paid (a lot) to write about beating plowshares into swords; NOT Foamy the Squirrel, contrary to all appearances. Wesleyan Jihadi Name: Sibling Railgun of Reasoned Discourse

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Resistance Is Futile...

As if there wasn't enough for us Rove-robot Right-wingers to be ashamed of today...

...Ted Rall has ripped the lid off bloggerdom and exposed us for what we really are:
The Borg.

Borg-like, the various right-wing blogs simultaneously discuss the same stories, applying identical rhetoric. They create blacklists and urge their readers and fellow bloggers to threaten and harass their targets. Surfing this cheesy world of flag-draped neo-McCarthyite HTML makes it impossible to deny Columbia Journalism Review writer Steve Lovelady's conclusion that most are "salivating morons" who form an ideological "lynch mob." Worse, many of the right-wing bloggers are flat-out liars.

Those who used to read my emailed Borghive signals (rather than just delete them unread, like most people) will be familiar with Ted. As you can tell from the foregoing extract, he's the Cary Grant of ass-hats: a man so suave and sophisticated, so absent that pervasive, jejune Right-wing simplisme, that you just imagine him lounging cross-legged in a Mallet-Stevens easy chair, smoking jacket slightly open at the neck, sipping a martini made with finest Bombay. One look at his website or cartoons will confirm the impression. Subtlety, thy name is Ted.

And he's got us dead to rights. We must cringe and withdraw before shining insight like Rall's and Lovelady's. In fact, I myself feel so chagrined that I owe it to my readers (both of you!) to answer publicly some of the tough questions the MSM has been posing to bloggers. Some of the toughest come from Frank J., tireless champion of truth. Herewith, my own answers to...

The "Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?" Blogger Quiz.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

Nobody important. Just ignore me. Please.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

Worse! I am a willing tool of the Military-Industrial Complex. (I'm so ashamed!)

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

None. You caught me playing in Daddy's shoes. I know I oughtn't be messin' with journalism stuff without a degree from the Columbia School, but I just couldn't help myself! It won't happen again! Honest!

4. Do you even read newspapers?

Not really. I only get the Montgomery Advertiser and I'm not sure it qualifies. It does come in handy for lining the birdcages, though.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

No. Guilty as charged, but Karl Rove told me not to! Sometimes, though, when I'm in my car, far from the Government's microwave towers, I put on my foil hat (so Karl can't read my thoughts!) and tune in NPR. It's delicious! You smart guys gotta tell me, though: Snick Paprikash, or whatever her name is, she's not a real person, right? She's just the news reader using a funny voice and name, huh?

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

Yep. Guilty again, but the signals from the Mothercube are only broadcast as harmonic resonances on the Glenn Beck and Hugh Hewitt shows.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

No. Like I said...the Mothercube...Glenn Beck...

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

I don't WANT to. I just can't seem to stop! I wish this humming in my head would go away!

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I used to have one, but I don't show it to many people nowadays. The picture was taken in 1979. I look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. (He's a Republican too. Did you guys know that?). No, I travel on government orders. They get me anywhere I need to go.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

Only to bomb them and kill people or plunder their loot.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

I used to be signed up, but they kicked me out--too old; too slow; still look too much like Shaggy. Any more, when I go to bayonet a kid or dash some little girl's brains on a column, they run away and I can't catch 'em! I'm no use to Them anymore...

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Yes, but it was at a party; it had nothing to do with war.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

I like goo.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!


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