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Location: Montgomery Area, Alabama, United States

Former BUFF driver; self-styled military historian; paid (a lot) to write about beating plowshares into swords; NOT Foamy the Squirrel, contrary to all appearances. Wesleyan Jihadi Name: Sibling Railgun of Reasoned Discourse

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Door to God the Whatever

I owe my readers (both of you!) an antidote to the paean to Leftism's Shub Nigg'rath* that I posted last night.

Therefore, I humbly offer some Christian humor (yes, Virginia--there is such a thing. Even the Baptists are into long as there's not too much dancing involved...)

First, "the world's pretty much only religious satire magazine," The Wittenburg Door (or just "The Door"). Founded by Mike Yaconelli, it has a bit of a bite to its humor, just like he did. Take the Door's Interview with Satan, f'rinstance:

[The Devil has just revealed that he runs Hollywood...]

THE DOOR: What type of movie seems to work the best for you? Horror? Pornography? Action?

DEVIL: Romance.

DOOR: Romance?

DEVIL: No question. You see, (takes sip of water) Man, what I could get for
a glass of this where I come from! Movies about evil do not necessarily help my cause. Besides, they are much too transparent. No one in their right mind wants
to confront pure evil. I personally supervise the making of every romance, or "chick flick," as they are sometimes called.

DOOR: Um, we don't see the connection.

DEVIL: Hopefully you won't! What I try to accomplish in a romance movie such as Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail or The Mirror Has Two Faces, and the list goes on and on, is a presentation of love, at least the human expression of it, which is both irresistible and unattainable at the same time. The old carrot and the ass idea. Since belief is already suspended, my job is just that much easier. I even have lovers traveling through time to make up for their past shoddy behavior. There's no limit to a guilty man's ingenuity, or my imagination. It's a winning combination.
Okay...more satire than belly laughs. Noted. Still, well worth your time.

Then there is this charming site, which is really a blog about Lutheran liturgy (!?), but which hits some humorous high notes, as in this parody of a hymn in the new Politically Correct Lutheran Hymnal, "Hymn to God the Whatever."


We are here to be together
O how happy you must be.
You should come for we have called you
To enjoy our company.
Who you are and what your name is,
We can never really say,
But we gather to be happy
On this really special day.

You are like a weaving grandma,
Or a father making rugs,
Like a farmer on her tractor
Trying not to kill her bugs.
We create you when we name you
You appear at our command.
Arent you glad that we still want you
Here to take us by the hand.

We will work for peace and justice,
We are not Republicans.
We believe in Marx and Engels
Not the brotherhood of man.
It is foolish to do mercy
Without handling the root cause.
We will work to feed the hungry
By the passing of new laws

[Oops...this site seems to have been Powerlanched since PLB linked to it yesterday; It may be up or it may not. Check back. It's funny. Really. I know: Lutherans? Funny? Oxymoron? Kinda like "military intelligence," huh?]

And finally, there's this fabulous bit of glurge I got via email from Mustangteach the other day. I've modified it slightly to better convict the guilty:

"How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?"

CHARISMATIC: Only 1: Hands are already in the air.

PENTECOSTAL: 10: One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the Spirit of Darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None: Lights will go on and off at predestined times. [yeah! --ed]

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None: Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin and Blessed, of course.)

BAPTISTS: At least 15: One to change the light bulb; 12 to bring the fried chicken, poke salat, green bean casserole, and sweet iced tea; one to patrol the parking lot and ensure no Methodists park there while the light's being changed; and one to monitor the other 14 and make sure they don't dance.

EPISCOPALIANS: 3: One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

MORMONS: 5: One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Undetermined: Committees are being formed to approve the change and determine the best method of accomlishing it according to the Book of Discipline. Please check back next year. But whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

NAZARENE: 6: One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting olicy.

LUTHERANS: None: Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

Okay...okay! Mormons and Unitarians technically aren't Christians. 'Nuf said! That's quibbling--it's STILL FUNNY!


*"The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young," for those not up on their Lovecraft; also known as Ward Churchill.

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