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Former BUFF driver; self-styled military historian; paid (a lot) to write about beating plowshares into swords; NOT Foamy the Squirrel, contrary to all appearances. Wesleyan Jihadi Name: Sibling Railgun of Reasoned Discourse

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Surprising Scientific Find: the Vertibrate Republican

Turning the discipline of political paleotology on its head this week, researchers in the little-known but important field claim they have discovered evidence that Loxodonta Americanus Gopensis has survived extinction. The so-called "Vertibrate Republican" was previously thought to have become extinct during the Late Reaganaceous Era, having been crowded out of its ecological niche by the more adaptive invertibrate variety, Loxodonta Vermiformus Strangenewrespecticus.

This discovery has created great turmoil in scientific circles. Despite the recent discoveries, the so-called moderate invertibrate school still argues that the spineless variety of Loxodonta predominates, citing Republicans' knuckling under to pork-engorged spending bills, support for a Supreme Court nominee, selected on the basis of "diversity concerns," who was barely qualified to act as a women's room attendant, and failure to defend the US military's growing success in the Global War on Terror, even while Copperheads and fifth-columnists among America's "liberals" and media Establishment daily characterized America's Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen as "Nazis," "torturers," "stormtroopers," and "baby-killers."

Adovcates for the re-appearance of vertibrate Republicans, however, cite the President's recent speech at Osan Air Base Korea:

Some might be tempted to dismiss the terrorist goals as fanatical or extreme. They are fanatical and extreme, but we cannot afford to dismiss them. Evil men obsessed with ambition and unburdened by conscience must be taken very seriously. Against such an enemy, there's only one effective response: We will never back down, and we will never give in, and we'll never accept anything less than complete victory.

Vertibrate school paeontologists go on to explain that the President has now presented a comprehensive strategy for the war in terms understandable to ordinary Americans, an accomplihsment many beleived possible only of the Vertibrate Loxodontae. Paleontologists of the invertibrate school point to the fact that the President has consistently missed opportunities to do just this over the past two years -- his current tough words may simply reflect a statistical anomaly.

The Vertibrate school counters with evidence that other specimens exhibiting at least partial remnants of backbone have been discovered: Indirect evidence of a Vertibrate colony, long thought to be lost, was seen in Congress this week, after Congressman Jack Murtha (Species: Perissoldactyla Assholinus Proditor), characterized as a "friend of the military" by the mainstream press, called for the US...

To immediately redeploy U.S. troops consistent with the safety of U.S. forces.
To create a quick reaction force in the region.
To create an over- the- horizon presence of Marines.
To diplomatically pursue security and stability in Iraq

Our military has done everything that has been asked of them, the U.S. can not accomplish anything further in Iraq militarily. IT IS TIME TO BRING THEM HOME.

The long-dormant colony of vertibrate Loxodontae reacted this call for moral and political cowardice by forcing a vote on troop withdrawal on the House floor, which was defeated 403-3. The timing and phrasing of the vote compelled even most liberal Perissodactylae to vote against it. Paleontologists of the vertibrate school point to forcing of the vote as indirect evidence that a colony of vertibrate Loxodontae still exists somewhere in the depths of Congress.

During debate over the troop withrawl vote, scientists of the vertibrate Loxodontae school point to what they call the first direct evidence of an evolving backbone in the remarks of fledgling Congresswoman Jean Schmidt, who quoted a Marine correspondent who wanted to remind Rep. Murtha that, "cowards cut and run, Marines never do." Perissodatylae from all over the House chamber rose in protest, accusing Schmidt of insulting Murtha, who won two Purple Hearts decades ago during his brief stint on active duty (he remained in the Reserves and retired as a Colonel). Schmidt maintained that she and her active duty Marine Colonel constituent, currently serving in Iraq were not insulting Murtha, just reminding him of a Marine's duty, since Murtha likes to make political hay of his association with the Corps. Take Murtha's service for the heroic sacrifice it was or not, your choice -- that his late words spoke cowardice is beyond denying.

Paleontologists of the vertibrate school are encouraged by this small and belated display of backbone and are cheered by evidence, however tenuous, that the vertibrate Loxodonta still exists.


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