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Location: Montgomery Area, Alabama, United States

Former BUFF driver; self-styled military historian; paid (a lot) to write about beating plowshares into swords; NOT Foamy the Squirrel, contrary to all appearances. Wesleyan Jihadi Name: Sibling Railgun of Reasoned Discourse

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Dreaded Uffdahadin Spread Cartoon Unrest Across Midwest

Intrepid (and frequently beer-besotted) reporter Iowahawk first broke the story of the sinister Uffdahadin some months ago. At the time, the Lutheran-inspired terror organization sparked riots in Iowa after rumors circulated that law enforcement officials had flushed Lutefisk down toilets in facilities housing Uffda insurgents. The Uffhadin regard Lutefisk as a sacrament of their religion.

The latest unrest was sparked by a Texas artist who displayed the following cartoon (and, yes, this reporter realizes the risk Vita ab Alto is taking in showing the offending item, but we uphold freedom of the press as a near-sacred right):

The cartoon appears to show the legendary footbal coach Vince Lombardi, whom many in the Uffda movement regard as a prophet, glaring gapped-toothed at the viewer, a bomb nestled in top of his cheese hat, which many Uffdahadin also regard as sacred.

David Burge of Iowahawk tells what happened next:

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny’s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The Texas artist, whose identity Burge reveals, but this reporter refuses to due to threats to drown him in the the gelled lye solution used to cure Lutefisk, has said, "I uphold my absolute right to make fun of any public or historical figure, no matter how sacred he or she is regarded by some groups." He is purportedly working on a new work he calls the "Piss Hummel," in which a delicate hummel skater figurine is immersed in a vat of human urine. The artist, who hails from College Station TX, claims he does not care what the results may be, but he has been changing addresses on a nearly weekly basis, according to Iowahawk reports.

Iowahawk has also reports on efforts to quell the violence and restore reasonable discourse with the Uffda community:

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

In related news, Cartoons themselves are becoming incensed that their reputations have been besmirched across the globe because of a handful of extremists. Looney Toons Local 69, prepresenting such eminent figures as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and international superstar Pepe le Pew (who was involved in his own complicated international fracas recently), have issued a press release condemning the riots, extolling freedom of the press, and reminding people that cartoons have rights, just as others do, including the right fall from 10,000 ft cliffs while riding 500lb bombs, and emerge relatvely unscathed (if dishevelled) at the bottom. Islamic burning of cartoon figures, LTL 69 feels, leaves the impression that toon characters actually can suffer fatal injuries, a conclusion that many in the union think will undermine their propects for future employment, especially considering the advanced age of some of its members.


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