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Location: Montgomery Area, Alabama, United States

Former BUFF driver; self-styled military historian; paid (a lot) to write about beating plowshares into swords; NOT Foamy the Squirrel, contrary to all appearances. Wesleyan Jihadi Name: Sibling Railgun of Reasoned Discourse

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Self Defense Against Fresh Fruit

I listened to the following NPR story this morning on the way to work (the car is the only place I can escape the evil mind rays of Karl Rove and the Borg Mothercube):

Morning Edition, March 17, 2005 ยท Even granting that the man was trying to commit a robbery, you still have to feel just a little for a British man named Robert Downey. He's been sentenced to seven years in prison after he tried to rob a bookie. Downey claimed he had a gun inside a plastic grocery bag, but the intended victim noticed that it was really a banana. When police arrived, they caught the suspect while he was distracted trying to pull off his uncomfortably tight ski mask.
I was intrigued, so I, your intrepid and ever-accurate reporter, dug deeper. I thought the situation sounded familiar and I soon found out why: Clearly, the intended victim received his self-defense training from these tough lads:

Sgt. Major: Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
Poor Mr Downey. He never had a chance.


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